It’s amazing how invincible we feel when we are younger.  I’d always heard it said.  After all, that was the reason the military used such young soldiers.  That fearlessness.  Not afraid of dieing.  And as you get older, you realize that it isn’t actually a fear of dieing, but an ignorance of dieing.  At that age, you can’t possibly even comprehend what that means…not that I do now.  How could I possibly?  But I do realize that the longer you live, the more that you have to lose, and the less you want that to all go away.  But I am way off topic here.  Back to being young, and invincible.

I, like most people, have had a very weird, very messed up childhood.  I have been through five divorces and seven marriages.  Actually, my parents have been through that.  I just witnessed it.  I am not married, nor have I ever been.  And maybe that is why.  When you grow up in that kind of ‘family’ and you come out the other end, and you aren’t completely crazy, you feel as though you have survived it. You came out the other side…unscathed.  Because you were strong.  Because you were invincible.

I realize now, that is probably not the case.  I am realizing, just as my friends are, that it actually messed me up quite a bit.  And my relationships suffer because of it.  I clearly have a huge ingrown fear that relationships, quite simply don’t work.  It’s not what I want, it’s simply what is…for me.

And that sucks.  Here’s a quick story, about something I fear will happen.  The crazy shit that runs through my mind, when I am with someone. 

I GUESS ONE OF US DIED

We have become a cynical people.  I'm not referring to 'people' as the world here.  I'm referring to us ... You and I.  We don't believe anymore.  I don't know if it is something that happened because of you or simply with you.  But it happened.

I did believe.  I used to.  There was a time.  There was a time that if I drew lightning on the soles of my shoes that I would actually run faster.  That I could out run horses, maybe even cheetahs. And it was true.  I believed.  There was a time that if I held out the two sides of my raincoat and spun around fast enough in a rainstorm that I would actually fly.  I obviously could never spin fast enough.  But it was true.  I believed.  There was a time I thought that if I worked hard enough I could be whatever I wanted.  I could be a superhero.  It was true.  I believed.  And I believed that when you said, "till death do us part..." that you meant it. 

And that one seemed the most ridiculous of all.  I mean no one actually means that anymore, right?  Look around.  My parents, your parents, our friends, movie stars...  The list goes on and on.  But that day by the lake, surrounded by our friends and family, tears streaking down your face, you could barely get the words out.  But, I heard them, and I believed you...

You got home late last night.  You didn't even call me to pick you up like you usually do.  I don't know for sure what happened, but I can imagine.  You met up with him somewhere, maybe just for coffee, or maybe you went back to his place.  If that were the case, I am sure it still started out innocently enough ... With the offer of coffee.  He told you stories and they were new to you.  They weren't mine ... The one's you've heard over and over and still have the courtesy to laugh politely when I tell them to other people ... And so you laughed at them ... His stories.  And you looked beautiful, because that is always when you looked most beautiful ... When you were laughing.  I don't get to see that anymore.

And he probably listened to your stories and he wondered how someone could make you so sad.

And you had a nice time.  Something you haven't had in awhile.  And you didn't know what to do when you parted, so you hugged and it was awkward ... But nice.  And he kissed your cheek, but got just enough of your lip to make it feel dangerous ... And you liked it, but you weren't supposed to, because of that dumb promise you made 8 years ago ... "till death do us part".  And so you smiled and got in a cab and came home.  And you know you shouldn't see him again, but you will ... Because it makes you feel good and it's not like you did anything wrong ... Right?

And maybe that is not what happened.  Maybe you really did have to work late.  Or maybe you asked a girl friend what she thought you should do about your marriage, and this persons advice poured out, which is funny coming from someone who has never been in a relationship longer than 6 months ... I never did get that.  Or maybe you just needed some time alone.  I don't know.  I don't know what to believe.

I used to.  We used to.  We used to believe.

But last night when you looked at me in the eyes and told me you loved me ... I'm not sure I believe it anymore.