Jordan O'Connor
August 28th, 2006

Falling Forward Writings:
(visit the Falling Forward website here)

Back in January 2002 Justin (Haynes) Nick (Fraser) and myself (Jordan O’Connor) spent 4 nights recording at a studio space in Toronto Canada – Ratspace. We recorded around 12 hours of music and as I listen to it now, what strikes me as interesting is just how much music this trio has made, and how deep it runs within me. Furthermore, how some of the music was too close to me to understand or even hear at the time, yet now it seems obvious - but I am sure that too will shift with time.

It is true that having a little time between the recording-session and the mixing-session is necessary, in order that you may gain better perspective on what you have recorded. Sometimes this is a small amount of time, while other times it could be years. Some people overlook this step and as such they never get a variety of perspectives on their recording because, admittedly, it can be a humbling prospect; time is haunting. Add to this the trouble of being too precious about the recording, mixing, mastering and so on and you have the makings of a good drama – and sometimes nothing more than that! In any case, there are elements to this session that seemed obviously “good” to me when we mixing and others that, I don’t want to say “bad” but that didn’t gel at the time.

What is so interesting to me and what is my central point is: how, after a few years, other things on the session pop out at me, which didn’t at the time. It is not simply a “good” vs. “bad” thing, rather, it is akin to seeing a place, or work of art for the first time, or even reading a book, and then after time passes, you grow, evolve, continuing to experience in whatever way and then, upon returning to the book, the painting, the place, etc., you find there is something new. Hell, when I was a kid I was sure the Dukes of Hazards was a good show and it’s not!  This has been my experience with “Falling Forward” and the session, that in its totality – the 12 plus hours of music – with all of its complexities, its gestures and so on, it was too much to understand at one time. After all this is a trio that began playing together when Nick we 15 years old; myself and Justin have known each other since grade 2 and started playing and discovering music as a “career” in our first high school band together – Less Then Five – there were six of us (?)

Over the years there have been struggles and speaking for myself, having struggled with addiction, ego, love, family and more, I have a better sense now of things I could only partially see then. What is true in life is true in music.

Of course we all struggle but I mention it to emphasize that music, for me, is not an abstract intellectualization, rather it is the means of expression that speaks when I myself cannot. Furthermore, music speaks even though I may not yet be able to hear it, or has not quite shown itself as a sound, thus remaining an elusive feeling, existing, at first without form. And so we carry on, trying to find the form which expresses who we are, where we live, why we hope, that we hope, the pain and sorrow the joy and jubilation of life. Some forms speak to us timelessly, while others loose their resonance. Like a sympathetic frequency we continue to look for form and we seek out the various connections with form to express emotion collectively. Isn’t it emotion that vibrates our being – our soul!

These master tapes hold much more than I could have known when we recorded “Falling Forward” and all of the experience and all of the music played over the course of the session is both inspiring and saddening. It is inspiring, because it is exciting to see three people’s conviction of expression, saddening to see these moments have passed. And as much as I am happy about the session, I do feel that the trio was never able to stand on its own as a group since we have lived in Toronto. Thus, when I think about the trio I think about the times before I lived in Toronto, when we played, plotted and imagined in Ottawa– but I am obviously personalizing this group in a way that expresses more about me, then the group itself. 

The simple truth is, when you are younger you need to fight for things that, as time passes, you see as being trite and petty. I often wish I hadn’t made such a cause out of music, particularly in the way that I did, I wish I hadn’t wanted music to be my family, my lover, my best friend. I now feel that my unfocused expectations were an unfair burden to those around me and as such I wish I had just gone with the flow more. People don’t hire rebels without causes; they hire friends who don’t offend. For me personally, I can see how I have been my own worst enemy, as I have played my inner struggles outwardly and have, of my own doing, made myself somewhat of an alien. Even so, through isolation, and feelings of isolation – which I have felt since my earliest memories - I have been pushed to do new and innovative things; although, what has unraveled my intentions is my lack of confidence and instability of conviction. My frustrations have come out in sometimes rancorous ways – which was more obvious when I drank.

For me “Free Jazz” music was the music of my rebellion, an expression of my inner turmoil. “Jazz standards”, on the other hand, reflected the heart and sentimentality of my hopes and desires. Be-bop was the free flight liftoff for a musician to play with such abandon, Classical music, specifically symphonic music showed to me the overwhelming accomplishments of individuals of create on such a large and evoking scale, with so many voices speaking as a kind of microcosm of society; while, for example the Bach cello suites illustrated the profundity of one voice to speak so truly and purely throughout time. Rock and Roll led me though tears and joy – I use to listen to “With or With Out You” for hours at a time. Blues is the cathartic embrace of pain, where a person speaks/sings of their loss, their hurt, their anxieties and struggle and in this act of song, frees him or herself, if only momentarily, from the pains of life. The power of the word is truly almighty, but religion is weak. 

Each musical style speaks to human experience, and not only by way of a specific genre but within a style or genre. So too is so-called “Free Form” or “Free Jazz” music an expression that communicates something profound about the human experience. Such music was born during the civil rights movement and was another profound statement, which rejected the long “white” tradition of racism in North America. It was an affirmation of humanity, and its desire to be freed from the chains that imprison. Music is a collective form and here - Free Jazz in the 60’s - it exemplified the collective struggle. Why else would you call an album – “This is Our Music.” What a profound statement and what a deeply moving statement it is.

Well this is our music, the trio - a snapshot taken in January 2002 over the course of 5 nights. And I believe that the title “Falling Forward” illustrates where we – or I – was at, at the time and what we were doing. Within in the act of not knowing, there is in inherent human truth that takes shape, and like the first steps a child takes, which are not poised and thought-out but rather born of the human desire and need to go forward, we too are moved to go forward. The child’s first steps are really a series of almost falls. With each step the child lets their body weight pull them forward as the child puts one foot out in front of the next, often just in time as to not fall. Hence the first steps a child takes are dependent upon the child being unafraid to fall, or, really, not even knowing what falling is! Thus there is no chance to take and no reason to not go forward. It is simply the expression of life moving through life – as the child is being filled with the desire to get somewhere, to move  - toward life – to mommy or daddy. Of course we get older, cooler, and more “intellectual” and such things embarrass us. Nevertheless, there is a truth to me that resonates: not knowing is itself a form of shared knowledge - since we have all ‘not known’ - and as a “form” which we share, accepting that form is music, then this too can be music. It need not have notes yet, it need only be a feeling. Discovery is made when we simply let ourselves fall.

Jordan O'Connor
Summer 2006     

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