Shane's Report #5

Day 27 - November 29th, 2006

Okay, listen, I love ya, I love life, I'm really, really into life. As such, from time to time, as I think and talk and investigate things, I go down some hard roads. Even in living life I make so many mistakes that I have to re-evualate things and try to come to grips with ideas and things people say and do, including myself. As such, let me go on a little thing here ... and it ends well.

I would not say as a creative person, on this project that has me out on the road for 40 days, that I am having the time of my life creatively out here. Yes, I am seeing amazing parts of the country, yes I am meeting some truly outstanding human beings on this planet earth, and yes I will forever be changed and better for this experience - and even, yes, I'm getting a camera out of the bag and I'm shooting things and it is always good to work on your craft. However, this is a network type of thing, a thing with many voices and checks and balances and as such it moves from a singular voice and focus to an abstraction of voices, to this, I don't know, what we all think the audience wants. In this place, it's not really fun or exciting or burning the creative fires - mostly just trying to get what you think someone or something else out there wants, that doesn't originate from you but from the imagined voices and opinions of others. What am I going on about? I don't think I'm really equipped to work in the film business - that more than anything is what this trip has been about. And there are MANY over-reaching implications and examples for this new reality.

Number 1 - The "Belcourt" Thing

Okay, quick history: Seven brothers left france for the new world back in the mid-1800's. Cree people lived for years out on the Prairie. For the brothers, some settled in Montreal, one became a Priest and settled in what is now called Belcourt North Dakota, some went Edmonton-ish for the fur trade, and all of this also eventually created my Dad and the his Metis community in Lac St. Anne, Alberta. I'm not sure what is "Belcourt" or what is the rest of the family tree influence down the line (my mother's people from Halifax, NS are also apparently wildly political and active and creative), but we have this thing, this very very intense thing about being alive and involved with things - I call it the "Belcourt" thing.

My sister and I will talk ad nauseam about our battles with the Belcourt thing, about how for years growing up we saw my Dad and said to ourselves "I'm not going to be like that" and here we are in situations unable to control the Belcourt thing. We're trying to come to grips with it. In a room or a situation, if there is a void in the leadership we jump to and say, "okay, well, if no one else is going to grab the bull by the horns, lets get at it." The Belcourt thing is, quite simply: intensity. We just cannot sit still. We cannot sit and hang out really, at all - and many that really troubles me. We're goal-orientated, we're focused, and we're workaholics. Fun bunch huh? But what can you do? I really, truly, saw my dad working all the time, totally focused on his work, his life, and I thought there's no way I'm going to be like that, I'm going to a totally relaxed and happy go lucky guy, I'm going to be cool man. Well, I'm 33, 34 in a few weeks, and well, I'm starting to give up on the fight - it's in the genes man. I go, go, go, go towards a goal. I work ALL the time. I'm anxious about it and I can't stop the focus. When I'm working on a project I go to bed thinking about it and I wake up thinking about, when I sit across from people I'm still thinking about it, and it takes a LOT for me to get out of that place and into the present moment. It means, as dreamers, we lead and build things and when working with others towards a well-defined goal, we do really well. It also means, when things or people slip focus or effort we just can't understand it. There is no "well, it's 5 o'clock, time to go party." It's a blessing and a curse.

It's a blessing because when it comes to building things we're good at it, we're great at it, we can handle leadership pressure (I'm getting better at it). Thus there are many Belcourt's that have started and built things, my father being one who has been the founding president of many projects, businesses, and organizations, currently the President of the Metis Nation of Ontario. We have uncles and aunts, also sharing the Belcourt name that seem to build a lot of things up.

It is also a curse because we're sometimes too over the top. If you're interested in working the arts, here's something that will shock you: be able to hang out and participate with sub-par work, and be totally ho-hum about it and totally cool with that, and you will outwardly succeed immensely. Seriously, watch TV, go to the movies, if you think people weren't aware that what they were working on was sub-par and not totally inspired, than you're crazy. Everyone knows, but you just go along because it's a job - same with music and the other art forms that require collaboration. You just mail it in like any other job, you just show up, be a good time guy or girl, and make the most of it, have some laughs, and go home when the bell rings to whoop it up. It's life, a job, a craft, like any other, like being a carpenter - just do your job and go home, because some jobs are more interesting and some gigs are just fine and it's all totally cool ... or at least it should be and seems to be for those that are successful as "hired guns".

And what I'm getting at here is that the "Belcourt" thing makes it virtually impossible to be a hired gun. Being hired onto a job that falls into not totally inspired leads to "he doesn't work well with others" report card comments. We don't know what it means to kind of sort of show up and kind of sort of go for it and kind of sort of be bendable and relaxed and "cool" with the overall direction of others that seems to be less inspired and more kind of sort of vague. When we work we OVER work things, we really work, and if the project or job isn't that kind of thing, if it's a hang, than we loose patients, focus, and motivation and start thinking about "how do I get out of here so I can get onto the next project that will better make use of my non-stop work ethic".

Number 2 - The TV Reality

Duane, my writing partner and co-director of all the film projects that I do, has always maintained a "you're an idiot" laugh at me when I go on about maintaining control, and "no, they want MY voice" when it comes to TV creation. TV is the creation and maintenance of selling stuff and therefore is done by committee and you have to be into that. Sometimes, rarely, but when it does it is amazing, the leader of that show will lead the overall committee towards amazing heights: Deadwood, Six Feet Under, The Daily Show, Wonder Years, etc. But there are a LOT of hours of programming between those highlights on a LOT of different networks. And here's the thing, I believe for the most part, at the seed of the idea, or creator probably had a really cool thing to start with - maintaining that to the finish line, in the process of committee, means things slip a little towards to lowest common denominator from higher artistic ambitions. Duane tells the tale of one of his friends, created a show, the show went to air, he openly admits that the show is bad, but it is a job, an industry credit, and what can he do through the process of network executives. It's reality. Many hands. Many little idea notes sent along. Many voices boiling DOWN to nothing, not lifting UP to something (with a few exceptions).

TV is a great place to find a pay cheque in the film business: as an actor, writer, grip, DP, director, producer, and all the jobs surrounding that. It's a steady pay, a means to an ends in other aspects of your life. It can be AMAZINGLY fun and exhausting, but a life, a career, a pay cheque seems to be more what the bottom line is. But here's my problem: I'm a total flake when it comes to money. I honestly, don't think about it. Perhaps my parents spoiled me, covering my ass when I was out of funds, but the cold fact is I don't think about it. I don't work FOR money. I don't take jobs FOR money any more - I did in University, when it made sense, I was working for something else, so compromise (selling coffee) was okay as it was motivated to get me to this point, this age, this time, in the "real" world. Of course when the contract stuff comes up I'm aware of money, but it isn't the reason I show up, it isn't the thing that gets me to DO the work, it has no place in my mind, it seemingly doesn't exist. What does exist is the work itself - what it is, what it means to other people, what it means to me, what it can and should say and what it means to have that message and story or image out there - how it builds and engages and hopefully improves. That's it. If I'm engaged in the integrity of the work. I'm all in, I'm all there. When it has to be more of a working for a pay cheque kind of thing I'm really lost. So, I guess I should start learning to love NOT having money since I'm saying now it has no meaning to me and I'm also saying this working for committee things is seemingly a disaster. Or maybe it's a question of finding the right top executive leadership that has the same vision and end game that you do - the same desire, the same source to work from. Maybe that's when it's really, really, really good to be working, making good money, and having a sense of job security. And maybe, unless I create that ship myself, it's never going to happen for me (the balanced, easy-going, good work, with strong sense of job security).

Number 3 - Money as it Pertains to Integrity

When you are personally in debt you gotta work. Got kids, got responsibilities, got money needs, got a lifestyle that you want to maintain? That requires money and now you have to navigate through some tricky waters. Someone says "Yeah, okay, I'll give you money but that means you gotta do this and I don't care what you think about that, just do it if you want the money." When you're in need of it you're coming to the table with a weakened position.

My sister Christi lives in a remote part of Ontario and lives a very simple life in terms of stuff. Sure she'd love to have things, all sorts of shinny objects, but she truly battles this in her mind: "if I buy that thing, I gotta take that job, and that means I have less time for Jeana and my painting." So, she maintains the focus on the paramount things and writes off the things she doesn't want. BUT note, she has SOMETHING to really keep that focus, a daily practice, a thing larger than herself: her painting. I would think that it is easier to keep the trade-off balance if you have the key focus in your mind, something to really DO that is yours - having a desire to be with the unknowable and struggling to be with it via a practice. You could sum this up as being rooted in something.

Money on your personal choices is the most brutal, but it also brutal on artistic choices and battles - even on governance itself. Often I have heard Aboriginal people I admire talk about "taking a flame thrower" the Aboriginal governing bodies. It took me aback, I felt I had to protect what my father has worked for his entire life - strengthening Aboriginal governments and organizations, and I still very much stand for them. But I am also starting to see this other side. When there is money for doing a jig, well, here you go pops, here's a jig for a dollar. We bring out our culture cart and those that say they represent the cultural cart get to sell the wares on the cart. But those that really live the culture, that ARE the culture, too often they are way off in the bush someplace being THE culture and they don't get much from the culture cart sell-off (if fact, most aren't interested in that sort of dog and pony show). It seems that money can truly alter the central integrity of things. DO you break out the fiddle and the Metis jig and talk of Riel for money or do you just live it blood to bone, money or no money? I know that you need both, those that bring culture forward (filmmakers and the like) for mass consumption, and those that just are the culture, but it has to be a constant on-going battle for Aboriginal organizations (just read the last entry as it pertains to oil and gas exploration on Aboriginal lands), and Aboriginal artists and artisans.

This is nothing new, I know it isn't. I've heard it before, read it before: money can corrupt and money can build. All I'm feeling at the tender age of 33 is the pressure of choice. When I sign on for money it battles with the "Belcourt" thing, which is the I gotta believe in this blood to bone or I'm going to loose my mind. Its like I exist on a very thin thread of being "normal" and the pressures of "just get in line and be cool and relaxed and stop fighting for something" is going to cause a giant crack in the facade.

One small caveat to this is design. I can and do this work for money. It's a trade, I do my best, I strive for the best, but I'm pretty easy going about it because it doesn't occupy a central tenant in my existence. I never dreamt about doing it or creating a website or a poster, so doing one with notes and making people happy is no bother because in the end it isn't the THING that makes me me. As Jordan was saying the other day, "I don't get doing it so-so in music. I didn't dream that one day I'd grow up and make so-so music. It's not something I do on the way to toilet." Design, as compared to music and film, for me, can be something I do as a fun functional trade off.

If I may, one last thought on money. The road provides LOTS of time to sit around and chat and Jordan and I have been going over a whack of things. Jordan went off one night about "tools. People will talk about TV, cameras, the internet, computers and whatever gadget there is to do and create things. It is within the person creating what the end product is. The internet in and of itself is not a bad thing, though in many peoples hands it becomes kind of pointless and uninspired. That's not the internet's fault, it is the person who created this and that and what their starting integrity is - it is simply there or it is not." So if we were to begin a project with "I don't really believe in this, it's okay, it'll be fine, it is what it is, let's just get through this" what do you think the final product will be?

Way, way back I had a great conversation with Jordan. I was saying I was going to go to business school so I could have all this money one day so i could then do this and that and all these marvelous things with my life. He said, "why do you need to have the money first?" It was a simple thing that shook me up. Some things, yes, absolutely require money, it'll be a balance, but what if the thing just HAD to be made, it just HAD to come forth out into the world, money or no money - what then would the integrity of that project or artwork be? How much more vital would it be? How many artists pursue art based on what grant application comes through for them? "Oh, I'll do something like this, it'll get funding, and it'll be fun."

The question I've been grappling with on this trip is "what the HELL do YOU have to say Shane? What it is? What is the film? What is the song? What are you doing and going to do with this life?" I'll do lots of things to be sure, but what is the project that I have to bring forth into the world, that I have to make because it has to get out there, that I have to delve into that realm? Until I take that plunge the overall anxiety is going to overtake me, and working for money as an ends has played its hand out badly too many times.

In Closing

The other night I had a very wild dream. I kept morphing physically into my father and out back to me again. I was also standing outside myself watching not knowing at what point I am a separate being and at what point I'm a continuation of my father's life's energy. But as I was dreaming, as I was watching it happen I was accepting of it. I really am my father's son. I really am totally and completely motivated by work and this need deep inside me to work towards something with a great inner meaning and integrity to me, quelling some inner voice/energy. Work that maybe creates questions in others and discussion and possibility to keep the torch alive. I am someone that grabbed and held so strongly to inspiring works (books, movies, photos, people, music) and now I'm trying to create that, be a part of that central place. My father did things to create better opportunities for other people, for Aboriginal people, to raise the flag up inside himself and others - with many successes and many failures, he did indeed make positive change manifest.

I remember my father being away on the road across Canada for large swaths of time. I remember being dragged to meetings and conferences as he worked tirelessly all over the place. I remember felling frustrated by that, left out even, I remember wishing he'd spend more dedicated time with us. I remember thinking I couldn't and wouldn't be over-taken by the Belcourt drive like he was. But here I am, on the road for weeks on end, and this isn't the first time, nor will it be the last, and it is, as hard as it is, perfectly fine to me. It's normal. It's okay. Is it the Metis/Aboriginal nomadic voyageur genes? I love getting out here, I love seeing these things and being with these people. I can absolutely see my kids (one day) coming along, being dragged to film shoots and recording studios and film festivals. And they too will resent me to a certain degree because there are parts of my being that I have to get into, I have to be alone with, and I have to deal with this monster of anxiety that manifests positively in creating art, working on projects with other artists. And, like my Dad, I'm not totally built to work FOR anyone. I can work with, but not FOR and the difference is VAST, seriously VAST.

A FINAL, final word

In the past (and you know who you are, and apologies for my part) I've worked with others and it hasn't gone totally as planned. Not that bridges were burned, but things left on a sour note at times. The "I'll take a flame thrower to this place" came out of me in some fashion. Why? Because I thought I could be something other than what I am. I thought I could just tow the line and be one of the team. It's like I'm saying, "I'm the quarterback or I'm not playing." Which in a way I am saying. But I can also be the running back if I believe in the entire team as a whole. Here's another analogy (as you groan from the football one above) and I use this one a lot: a project, creating a work of art, is like picking a place to go visit. "We're driving to Vegas, we might hit some bumps in the road, but we're driving for Vegas no matter what." I'm a great guy to be behind the wheel or be central to getting there. What I'm not great at is sitting in the back seat as the driver, in my mind, decides "we'll go to Vegas maybe, kind of, but also to Denver, and maybe sort of some other places, not sure, we'll see." Yeah, not for me. It physically is NOT in me to sit in the back silently. I feel COMPELLED to say something, I have to do something, I have to get my hands in there.

What this ultimately means is recognition and acceptance to what my real nature truly is. It's a scary but good time. I have only to work on projects that originate from my central crew: Duane and Jordan. All the rest isn't really for me. Sure a design job is great, I can handle the back seat thing in that realm, but when it comes to the central things (music and film) it's gotta come from and outta and led my me and my central team. I get to edgy and flippant otherwise. Is that a curse? I think it really is a larger deeper thing inside me that is trying to grapple with what life really means and is about for me in a central way. This trip/job has been the final kick in the balls: "if you keep hiding and dodging the work you HAVE to do, your WORK, I'm going to drive you crazy and depressed and useless, pure and simple."

It's time to really begin. Full 33 years old ON.

OH WAIT

Um, when my mother gets this far she's going to freak out, so let me add one final thing now that I've read this over again for spelling and grammar mistakes. My Mom was an actress and a singer in Halifax growing up, a real talent. She moved to Toronto to see the world and get out there. She met my Dad and had us kids and dedicated herself to that as her "project". She's a super Mom, and those that have met her would agree she's a super woman. She also at 50-something quit her job at the government before all the benefits would kick in because she couldn't take it any more. She bought a giant B&B in Picton (www.piercemartinhouse.com) because it was always a dream of hers to run her own business. If it wasn't bad enough to have the Belcourt thing on one side, I have my mother's thing on the other (but I doubt she'd ever get a "doesn't work well with others" in her report card). And worse still, she basically gave me a feeling with love and encouragement that my voice is valued, that my voice has merit, and that anything is possible, the world will ultimately (with proper integrity intact) respond with open arms to good projects.

I'm fucking cursed, huh?

I can't wait to get home, and set this train on the right tracks again. You will be seeing some really cool things in a very short time. As long as I'm breathing.