Suzanne Belcourt's Marshmallow Girl
July 5th, 2006

Oops!…I Did It Again

I think I might speak out loud rather than just think things in my head. At the grocery store, as I look on longingly at a nicely packaged product, I question, “I wonder what this would taste like?” (I’m not 100% sure, but whenever I say something I think is in my head, someone who is standing next to me stops putting something into their cart, and looks up at me.) I think it would be weird to ask such a question out loud, especially if I was looking at a tin of cat food.

If I do speak out loud and I’m unaware of it, I hope it’s never when I see some young woman who is smoking, talking, and swearing all at once, with one hand on a stroller, while hanging out by the local coffee shop. Because that’s when I say IN MY HEAD, “Jesus girl, stop hanging out and go read a book or something. Or better yet, go read your child a book.”

Maybe this is why everyone is staring at me as I walk down Main Street. Not because I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, but because I’m really talking out loud to myself.

For everyone who walks by me I say something IN MY HEAD:

“Wow, she really needs to exercise. It’s a good thing I’m going to the gym because I really don’t want to end up like that.”

 “Look at those people, how old are they? And they’re just hanging around the Tim Hortons?”

 “This asshole isn’t even going to clean up his dog’s mess. And it’s on the sidewalk!”

But before you think I’m a paranoid schizophrenic who speaks out loud and who also happens to be quite a snob, I also think hard about each negative thought and try to put a more positive spin on it. Some examples of what I might say IN MY HEAD afterwards are:

“…Maybe she was an abused child who never learned how to care about herself, or maybe she just started to work out and you can’t see the results yet.”

 “…Maybe they can’t find work. Maybe they’re really highly skilled, but this town is so small that there just isn’t enough work to go around.”

 “…That asshole who didn’t clean up after his dog has Karma, and he’ll probably step in it as he’s leaving his apartment tomorrow.”

Anyway, I hope I’m not talking out loud to myself when I’m in the grocery store or when I’m walking down the street, or I just might be sent to the hospital again. Either that, or just never make any new friends while I’m here.

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